Children of Divorce as Adults
Book Discusses Relationship Struggles for Adult Children of Divorce
The impact of divorce on parents and young children is often discussed, but up to the present day very little research has been done - and few books have been written – about the impact of divorce on adult children, or the long-term impact of divorce on younger children. A book such as Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents' Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust and Intimacy by Jeffrey Zimmerman and Elizabeth Thayer [New Harbinger Publications, 2003] has the potential to aid the overlooked casualties of divorce: children's adult relationships.
Defining "Adult Children of Divorce"
Adult children of divorce can mean one of two things. It describes either:
- those people whose parents divorced when they were already adults – the most overlooked demographic in divorce research and statistics – or
- children of divorced parents who have since grown up and begun to face adult responsibilities, with the shadow of their parents' divorce continuing to affect their lives and choices.
In Adult Children of Divorce, Thayer and Zimmerman deal primarily with the second group – those who have reached adulthood since their parents' divorce. Despite possible confusion around the authors' use of the term, this does not preclude the book being useful to genuine ACODs, those who experienced their parents' separation as adults.
Adult Children of Divorce
At just over 185 pages, Zimmerman and Thayer's Adult Children of Divorce presents a short, effective summary of the emotions faced by parents and children during the process of divorce. It discusses both healthy and dysfunctional ways people may deal with a divorce and its enduring fallout.
Divided into two parts, "The Impact of Divorce" and "Recovering from Divorce: Building New Relationship Skills," the book attempts to offer hope and support to those rebuilding their lives after their own or their parents' divorce.
Chapters include "Taking Care of Yourself," "Healing the Relationships with Your Parents," "Guidelines for Healthy Nonromantic Relationships," "Taking Back Your Love Life," and "Having Children: Rekindling Your Parenting Desires." Insights cover destructive patterns around trust, openness, intimacy and boundaries that many ACODs fall into.
Yet, despite the best of intentions, Adult Children of Divorce repeatedly falls short of being genuinely helpful. Zimmerman and Thayer effectively summarize many of the behavior patterns that may be relationships pitfalls to troubled children of divorce, yet they fail to offer concrete advice or solutions to overcome these dysfunctional coping methods.
Although the book may be a helpful aid in highlighting the patterns that children of divorce may fall into as adults, it does little to suggest alternatives or provide concrete ways to overcome the fears and insecurities that adult children of divorce may feel about relationships.
A Broader Scope of Relationships
In addition, the book raises questions that go unanswered.
It fails to address the ways in which the relationship patterns of traumatized children of divorce compare to the dysfunctional relationships of people with other kinds of trauma, such as those who have experienced an abusive relationship or family history. The book's authors provide little context for understanding the dilemma of children of divorce or others with troubled relationships, making it difficult to understand the relevance of the information they do provide.
The authors also make assumptions about the kinds of relationships that are deemed "appropriate"; the book contains value judgments that may irritate some readers.
Adult Children of Divorce may be a helpful resource for those who have not considered their own relationships in the context of their parents' divorce. ACODs who are more self-aware or familiar with self-examination may recognize themselves in these pages, but are unlikely to find the solutions they need to create lasting change.
Related reading: Book Review: A Grief Out of Season
