Dating a man with small children represents a huge responsibility in a woman's life. However, dating someone with adult children poses its own obstacles.
Most women spend their lives very determined to never play the role of the "other woman." However, women can find themselves in a version of this role when they decide to date a man who has an adult daughter.
Especially in cases where the man you are dating has been the sole parent for his daughter, you may find that you are viewed as an extreme threat to their relationship and her sense of security. Should you find yourself in this situation, there are a number of suggestions you may find helpful.
- Assuming that the problems with the daughter began occuring early in the relationship, they most likely have little or nothing to do with you personally. While this is only moderately comforting, it will be helpful to remember this when it feels like you are being rejected or attacked.
- Talk with the man you are dating about how he is addressing the situation. Is he dealing with his daughter openly and honestly about her reaction? Are they discussing issues such as her insecurity and her concern for the changes that may occur as a result of him sharing his life with you? What is his plan to diffuse the situation and encourage a solution?
- Make sure that you respect the special relationship they have with each other. Remain sensitive to their need for time together. It is important that you reassure the daughter through your actions that you do not wish to be a replacement for her within the family, but rather an addition to the family.
- Discuss with her father how to deal with behaviors from the daughter such as rudeness, disrespect, and interference on her part between the two of you. By expressing your expectations in a sensitive, but firm manner, he will understand that while you are willing to be patient, you are not willing to be abused or mistreated.
- Insist to the man you are dating that any discussions he has with his daughter about dating you should be limited to her insecurities and their personal relationship. Should the discussions expand to include issues involving you personally, you prefer to have the opportunity to speak for yourself and express your own thoughts and points of view.
- Decide early exactly how much you are willing to allow his daughter to impact your relationship with her father. Should it become apparent that the problems are escalating, rather than diminishing, evaluate the situation and decide the healthy course of action on your part.
Situations such as these can be overcome. With patience and consistency of expectations, an amicable, mutually respectful relationship can be formed that includes all three of you. However, you must remain aware that even by meeting your responsibilities, you remain somewhat dependent on the father and his daughter. It is important that you and he stand together throughout this process. He must be respectful of your needs and you must be respectful of his, remembering that his needs include being there for his daughter. Assuming the two of you can successfully do this, your relationship can survive these hardships.
Remember that it is not imperative that you and the daughter become friends. Although friendliness and enjoying one another is preferable, respectful tolerance does not constitute a failure on anyone's part. Relationships can build over time, even when subjected to the rockiest of starts. Your only concerns should be ensuring that you respect their relationship, not allowing that relationship to become something that exists at your expense and insisting that you and your needs not be sacrificed during this process.
Then be patient. The two of them have a long history together, but that does not mean you and he can not a long and happy future together.
For more information on the appropriate role of a father whose adult daughter disapproves of him dating, please refer to "Dating once Your Child is Grown."
