There are many pitfalls to blending families with small children. Attempting to bring together families with adult children can be just as difficult.
Many single parents consciously choose not to date or remarry until their children become adults. While this decision serves many positive purposes, when the time comes to start dating, there can be a great deal of animosity on the part of your adult children.
Consider a father who has been the sole parent for his daughter since she was five years old. She is now twenty-one and in college. No longer living at home, she is still reliant on her father for much of her financial support and they visit one another no less than monthly. For as long as she can remember, she has been the "woman" in her father's life. She grew up helping with the household chores, cooking meals when he worked late, and even helping him in deciding which house to purchase, the furniture they needed and the vacations they took. By all accounts, she has been the ideal daughter, student and friend in his life.
Feeling confident that he has done an excellent job in preparing his daughter for the world, the father is now ready to begin dating. He meets someone special, tells his daughter he will be bringing her to town on his next visit and, before they even have the opportunity to meet, the trouble begins.
It is at this point that the situation must be addressed. To procrastinate talking with the daughter in hopes that the issues will resolve themselves only brings a higher level of confusion and problems into the situation. The father must be compassionate, but firm in expressing his expectations of the daughter, while she must be honest and direct when sharing with him her reservations.
Carelessness, on the father's part, in dealing with this problem can result in a number of obstacles. Insensitivity can leave the daughter desparately grasping for his attention. In contrast, too much sensitivity on his part can encourage the daughter to continue fighting the relationship and eventually cause measurable damage to all parties involved.
Dishonesty, whether intentional or not, about the reasons the daughter is upset can create distractions that cause superficial issues to be the focus of discussions instead of the genuine problems. The daughter may actually believe that it is the woman in her father's life that she does not like. She may focus on the woman's mannerisms, sense of humor, personality, or habits without realizing that she would be having the same reaction regardless of whom he had brought into their lives.
Only through thoughtful, carefully considered, and honest sharing can this problem be successfully addressed. There are several guidelines that should be followed to ensure the issue does not get out of hand and begin to take control of these relationships.
- The father should be the primary point of contact with the daughter in dealing with this issue. The woman he is dating is not the actual problem at this point and should not be subjected to the initial ups and downs of this process.
- Should other family members be guilty of encouraging the daughter to fight her father's relationship, this should be addressed quickly and firmly. Left unresolved, any progress the father makes during discussions with his daughter can be quickly undermined by others. The daughter in vulnerable at this time and can be easily swayed.
- If it becomes apparent that the daughter is indeed bothered by the relationship itself and not by the woman, make sure that all discussions stay on the correct topic. Under no circumstances should the father and daughter be discussing the woman he is dating at this point. Instead, the talks should be limited to the daughter's insecurity, sense of loss, fears, and other negative emotions she may be having about sharing her father with someone else.
- Any ultimatums given by the daughter, veiled or otherwise, must not be tolerated by the father. Threats to cause more problems, such as causing scenes, behaving rudely or withholding her relationship from her father should be acknowledged as the inappropriate reactions to the situation that they are.
- Guidelines for behavior, manners, and respect should be discussed in detail. The consequences for ignoring these guidelines should also be thoroughly outlined, therefore leaving no room for a plea of ignorence should the daughter decide to behave outside the guidelines.
- There must be an absolute policy on the father's part that prohibits engaging with the daughter in discussions about the woman's character, actions, personality or behaviors. Any and all discussions about the woman as an individual should only take place in her presence, thereby enabling her to speak for herself and present her own point of view.
With compassion, understanding, reason and consistency, this obstacle can be overcome. Depending on the abilities and the level of willingness of the parties involved, outside counseling may prove beneficial. The parent must be mindful at all times that this is an issue concerning his daughter's insecurity about her future place in his life. Once he helps her understand that, although their lives are changing, these changes do not have to be negative ones, she will be more open to her father's new relationship.
For more information on the appropriate role of the newly introduced woman, please refer to "Dating a Man with Adult Children."
