Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce
LaMotte Challenges Adult Children of Divorce to Find the "Dividend"
Aug 15, 2008
Plenty of research has been done on the relationships of those with divorced parents. Most of these studies conclude that children of divorce are doomed to fear commitment and to act out a series of dysfunctional patterns in their adult relationships.
Unlike most of the literature on adult children of divorce, Elisabeth Joy LaMotte's Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce: 5 Steps to a Happy Relationship [New Horizon Press, 2008] takes an optimistic approach. LaMotte begins by stating that fear of commitment can be beneficial, and goes on to explore both the positive and negative impact of parental divorce with fresh eyes.
Adult Children of Divorce
"Adult children of divorce" or "ACOD" is a term often used to describe those whose parents separated or divorced when they were already adults. Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce, however, explores the experiences of adults whose parents divorced when they were children. LaMotte excluded from her survey those whose parents divorced when they were over 21 years of age, since the psychological impact is different.
"Facing the Mirror" and Recognizing the "Dividend"
The greatest strength of Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce as opposed to some of the other books written for ACODs is in the exercises and constructive steps provided herein. LaMotte devotes several chapters of the book to "facing the mirror" – considering your own relationships in light of your parents' and grandparents' successes and failures – and another section to recognizing what she calls the "dividend" – the overlooked gains from your parents' divorce.
If anything, this "dividend" is the theme of the book: that children of divorce are uniquely situated to avoid making their parents' mistakes and to consider and make their own relationship choices, informed by both the good and the bad of the past. If nothing else, it's an optimistic message that empowers ACODs to see the impact of their parents' divorce in a new light.
Overcoming Your Parents Divorce: Forging New Patterns in Your Own Relationships
As a "survivor" of parental divorce herself, LaMotte speaks freely and eloquently on the subject of her own parents' marriage and separation, and about her dating experiences and relationship phobias. She also shares the challenges and wisdom gleaned from her own happy marriage. The effect of these personal anecdotes makes the book feel real and inspiring; the reader is left with the impression that it might be possible for other adult children of divorce to duplicate LaMotte's success and the successes of the happier correspondents to her survey.
A reader is also left with the impression of a beautiful fragility inherent in even the most successful relationships. "I'm surprised by what we have," LaMotte writes of her marriage – something she attributes to the loss of innocence after her parents' divorce. "This sense of surprise can be viewed as a scar…. its defining presence reminds me of our good fortune and makes me cherish all we have."
The biggest danger of this book is in its tendency to oversimplify. At the same time as LaMotte attempts to show the complexity and variety of responses experienced by ACODs, through personal stories shared in their own words, she also suggests labeling people with such terms as "apples" or "candy bars" and relationship patterns as either "renting" or "buying." It may be difficult for a reader to qualify relationships and people in their life under these terms without serious scrutiny or professional help.
Although Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce doesn't completely fulfill on its potential, it is certainly a worthwhile read and will undoubtedly be helpful to many in understanding the lasting impact of their parents' divorce and in recovering the ability to trust and commit in their own adult relationships.
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