According to Family Education, over half of remarriages end in divorce. Merging families can trigger major issues for both parents and children.
Challenges for Step-Parents
- If children spend the majority of their time with their birth mother or father, they may resent the intrusion of a stepparent on their precious time during visits with mom or dad
- The introduction of half-siblings as a result of the union between a parent and a stepparent can cause tensions and jealousies to erupt
- Children being wedged together from both sides of the family have to get used to built-in brothers and sisters as well as a new stepparent
- If the blending of the family involves a move or a change in schools, this can cause resentment as schedules and routines are disrupted
- If any parent or stepparent involved speaks badly of anyone in the child’s family, they can become confused and unsure what side to take
- Different discipline approaches between families make it difficult for children to know what boundaries to expect
- Stepparents are often unsure how far to extend their role in disciplining a child that is "not theirs"
- It is sometimes hard for a stepparent to command the same level of respect that children may naturally give their birth parent
- When there is a difficult relationship between ex-spouses, children often feel caught in the middle
Tips for Step-Parents
The only true companions to step parenting are time and patience. Do not expect a stepchild to automatically become the new best friend of their stepparent or stepsiblings. Gradually, a stepparent will become more comfortable in their role and will figure out the particular dynamics in their relationship with their stepchild. There are, however, a few things to do to ease the transition:
- Be there as a fixture. Attend sports activities, recitals, parent-teacher meetings, and other events important to a child.
- Stepparents should discuss with their spouse (and, if necessary, with the child’s other set of parents) how they would like their child disciplined and agree on all discipline measures so that the child can expect the same consequences all across the board.
- Arrange to spend some special time alone with the stepchild and let them know that they are just as important in their stepparent’s life as they are in their birth parents.
- If an issue arises with the child’s other set of parents, confront those people privately and directly. Never send the child to be a messenger bursting with complaints.
- Set up a family fun night to do an activity chosen by each child in rotation.
- A stepparent should assure the child that they are not vying to take the place of the child’s other parents.
- Join in family therapy to air any tensions, questions or concerns.
- Never cast aside any affection a stepchild is willing to show; thank them and treasure it
- If children are distant or introverted, honor this, and do not push them to join family activities if it makes them uncomfortable
- Encourage stepchildren to talk to their birth parents about the new family dynamics if they are not at ease speaking to their stepparent
- Understand that children may have anger and resentment about their "old" family not reuniting and their "new" family replacing the old one
Step-parenting rarely resembles the Brady Bunch. It takes a concerted effort on the part of all involved to build loving, lasting relationships between a stepparent and stepchild. The key to achieving decent connections between family members lies in commitment, time, patience and understanding. It can take many years for a family to feel truly "blended."
